A guiding STAR !

Going back by 27 odd years – A day when the stage was set once again for another actor to come in; another play started out; pre-written as it is called, another story started being told/read. The story has revealed three distinct phases as of now: First one - not very exciting, calm, not having much depth, and not much happening. All it had was just flowing with the time and getting older. Then came the Second – excitement to the highest level, lots of planning, lots of fun & enjoyment, loads of dreams and yes of course this time getting older having no control on self; this is a phase of committing some irreversible mistakes and inflicting some incurable damages (as have been perceived by the self by now). AND Now, i.e. the Third phase – apparently similar to the first one but not exactly. It looks calm like a pre-cursor to a storm. This time surely getting older with some strong realizations and learning lessons from the last two phases. I should better say not just getting older but truly mature at the same time. This time the actor sits with myriad of experiences, a heartful of feelings and a mouthful of memories – to feel again and again and again, to recollect & wanting in vain to relive over and over again. The actor mentioned here is none other than Me and the story is about my Life and the Day mentioned on the very first line is my Birth ‘day’!! One thing that has always been the same on this day is arranging something for myself, a very special something. For this year here it is: a memoir of my life lived so far…….not literally though. I call life a book; each year is like a chapter, each day a single page on it. This is for the first time ever I took to recollecting the past and jot down the essence. It is like discovering one blank page in that pre-written book after 27 years, and utilizing it to write an ode to myself. Let’s term it as a collection of the realizations and lessons gathered while reading the previous chapters which will act as the guiding star for the rest of it.

(P.S. – No matter where, when and how the author gets the lessons; it is just what the author got/learnt  at the end of the day that matters)

Today it feels like standing at a junction from where I am going to take a new turn; I would love to see it as ‘rebirth’ of my inner self because of the re-emergence of it from a point of complete self destruction/obliteration. Today is a time when I find myself surrounded by every bit of those things never ever imagined before– from not having the very special gift - once thought of as the best one - for this day anymore, to falling in love (with an uncertainty). It is probably when the deadliest fear/the wildest dream of ones life comes true, you find answers to many questions, and doubts you bear in your head. It is exactly when it seems that the world around is crumbling down, you are directed to a whole new course. That is why , may be, everyone says that no matter how dangerous might be the twists & turns, life still moves on. I read somewhere that at times (or probably most of the times) one must let go of the life he/she has planned for in order to welcome the one that is waiting for you. Today when I sit and think about my past days, a deep sense of freedom engulfs me; I get the feeling of being able to free myself from My own solitary confinement. There was a time when in the longing for a company, I faced rejection, insults and have been reminded time and again by everyone – against my acceptance of course – that I am a born loner. Today I accept them and whatever they said as I stopped looking for anyone anymore. I finally accepted that you have the best company in yourself. As I took up writing and enjoying every bit of it I realized that ‘loneliness is the only root to creativity’ and when you put your own life at the centre stage, it creates magic. Today I believe that “you should never be afraid of walking alone; because it’s when walk alone you get the best of companies ever – the world gets the space to fit in just beside you.”  (“Akela main tab bhi tha, Akela to aaj bhi hun / Farq sirf itna sa hai ----Tab main tanha tha, aur aaj khud apne saath hun. / Kisike intezaar mein waqt zaya nahe karte, bas zindegi ki rah mein chalte jate hai – dil mein ummeed aur ankhon mein khwaish liye. / Safar e zindegi kehar kadam pe humsafar mil hi jate hai”).  

All these changes in thoughts and all the realizations did not come all by themselves. There has been a certain period when people around me were trying continuously but tirelessly to pull me up spending hours talking to me. But nothing worked for my good. Then slowly I started spending days and nights in the captivating company of some people and was specially influenced by one among them. I must confess that this persona has proved to be a true inspiration for me; I have been reading, listening to so many good thoughts articulated by that person and over time I actually felt that somewhere down the line they are having an effect on me as well. I began getting inspired from it all. And guess what has happened -- I stand here as a complete different person today. I have understood some very simple facts/truths that we hear or read everyday but never really bother to apply in our lives. Believe me, when I finally tried so, they just did miracle and led me towards betterment. I know now that one should never get attached to something/somebody so intimately/tightly that your own existence just falls apart when that knot loosens and even if it happens ever in life, one should always hold the strength to lift itself up when you fall. You should always have faith on yourself. Today, I specially thank that person from the bottom of my heart – although I know this will never reach to that person; but who knows what lies ahead!!

As I call life a live act/drama, it is meant to have a bit of everything - happiness and sorrow, excitement and dullness, desires and despair, laughter and depression. At times your heart may just be shattered by pain and losses; there might not be a single moment when you actually had got over them & all these had just crossed past your heart. But, they are nothing but a test of time that you luckily have been put to and the moment you learn to swim through the turbulence against all odds, you will come out in your strongest self ever, a complete refined person altogether. Because life means nothing but just living it. It means just coming out of your closet, attempting everything, committing mistakes, stumbling on the way and faltering millions of times yet learning through it all; it’s about falling in love, getting your heart broken but falling in love over and over again. Many a times we give up in life at a point exactly when a miracle is meant to happen. As I said earlier that life is a book or say a surprise gift. Life itself is the beginning of an end; by passing of each moment we are just getting closer to the but we should never try to stop reading/unwrapping it till it reaches the finishing line. Life is all about feeling the adventure and excitement to face new twists and turns till the final curtain drops.

As, I talk about all these a bit philosophical thoughts – some from my own realizations and some from my knowledge & understanding of others’- I am sure at least to few of its readers it may appear as bookish dialogues which are easy to articulate but difficult to follow in real life. I say this because I too used to think in the similar line at a time. But, trust me dear friends, when knowingly or unknowingly but luckily for sure I started out to abide by these tiny little philosophies, I knew the real essence of them and understood how amazing they can be. I am still learning to master the art of living on the path led by them. This is why I call them the guiding Stars!

            As, I near the end of this one blank page of my Book and stand at the doorstep of a new chapter – i.e. another hopefully eventful year of my life, I would finally say a few words without which I think this whole memorabilia would remain incomplete. The previous chapters of my life have always tried to teach me or at least open my eyes. But, I was extremely ignorant or may be adamant not to pay heed to them. Quite un-apologetically I kept myself in self-imprisonment; I had associated innumerable expectations and even the reasons to smile & being happy to people around and complained madly when they were not fulfilled. In the process I actually forgot to stop and behold myself – its beauty, capabilities and strength. But, when I finally opened my eyes by a sudden knock from the pre-destined fate, the vision changed completely. I actually started feeling the joy of being admired or appreciated for whatever I had, and just the way I am. So, today it would be unjust if I do not acknowledge those, be it good or bad, who accompanied me to give birth to a new Me. Thus, apart from being a guiding star in my journey into the future, this piece of write up would be a remembrance of all those lessons learnt so far and the people associated with it. It is a small token to thank all of them for making me a better person today; had all of them not been there, this would not have been possible ever. Today I  must confess that in the search for a company and in the trial of finding and losing ones I found myself; I understood & redefined my limits – reinvented myself in a new way that has been unfamiliar, unexplored so far. The storm, once I complained about, just left me deeply rooted and strongly grounded to break away from the chains I tied myself with. It taught me to commit new mistakes everyday and still believe that I can withstand all the future blows that might come my way and continue learning new lessons holding myself tightly. “All the pain that was in store so far, rendered some amazing relationships possible in my life”.

            I chose this day to thank all of you out there with due respect and lots of love for being a part of my life through all thick & thin and letting me be what I am today. Today, once again I promise to keep reading this book – my life – (a thought which in the past has dwindled many a times) till the end. I would end this with a few lines scribbled by me sometimes back:

Inspiration lies all around......This one is dedicated to the one(s), who inspired me.  

!! Life is (like) a river.
From the origin, 
to the vast ocean lying ahead, kissing the horizon, it flows.
Be that current, that knows no barrier.
Do not stop; do not stagnate.
There are lives around, till you flow,
Waiting for the touch – the serene, the divine,
That brings life to blossom.
There are streamlets, coming from far lands, 
With the hope to meet you.
Be the rhythm, that upsets the monotonous landscape.
Set your eyes to the final destination that lies in front…..
Move towards it, embrace it till you become inseparable, and
Just keep flowing, 
Keep smiling, 
Keep living……in the journey (called) LIFE…..!!

Here is wishing myself a very Happy re-Birthday! -  with a lot of excitement as I am going to start another new chapter.